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Tuesday, December 06, 2006

How to assemble your mail-order Pie®

File under: "Useful Instructions"

The wait is finally over and you've received your Pie® in the mail. What now? Simply follow these easy instructions for assembly of your Pie®, and you'll be wondering how you ever survived without one in no time!

Parts Included:
Two (2) arms
Two (2) legs
One (1) head
One (1) brain
One (1) torso
One (1) Beatles obsession
One (1) NIN obsession
One (1) caffeine addiction
One (1) nicotine addiction
One (1) partially functional spine*
* Please note that no replacement parts are available for this item

Required Tools
The following tools are used to construct the Pie®:

• Soldering iron
• 20-gallon fish tank filled with electric eels
• Drill & 10mm drill bit
• Time machine
• Slide rule
• One (1) tank of pure oxygen
• Funnel
• Spirit level
• Schroedinger's cat (but only if it's alive)
• One (1) pie slicer
• One (1) pair Wonder Woman underoos

Assembly Instructions

1. Insert tab A (see fig. 1) into slot B (see fig. 2) to attach the head to the torso
2. Use soldering iron to solder edges together
3. Ensure that brain is inserted into skull. If brain is not included, please contact manufacturer as the Pie® is useless without one.
4. Attach arms and legs to torso (see fig. 5-8)
5. Insert funnel into mouth, pour in liberal amounts of coffee
6. Attach ears to jumper cables
7. Shock the Pie® until signs of life are observed
8. Fill immediately with coffee, or you run the risk of your Pie® shorting out, which is not covered by your warranty

One last note, please do not use your Pie® for any activities not expressly recommended in our marketing materials. The Pie® has a a low patience threshold, and Pie Co., Ltd. will not accept liability if you lose an eye.

.:4 comments | baked by pie at 9.02 AM | permalink:.