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Friday, November 10, 2006

A random local news broadcast

[Newscaster Bob]: Good evening, everyone. Tonight on K-R-A-P Evening News: roving gangs of pigeons wreaking havoc on local bakeries, a report on why people enjoy sex from a team of researchers with too much funding and nothing better to do, and a shocking story about an armed fugitive who may be hiding in your attic right now. Julie?

[Newscaster Julie]: Thanks, Bob. We lead off tonight with a heartwarming story about a cat rescued from the roof of a nursing home. It was a tense few hours, but heroic firefighters managed to use a ladder to reach little Fluffy and bring her down safely, to the applause of the watching crowd. Fluffy had a tough few hours, but she's home now and just fine. Bob?

[Newscaster Bob]: Well, that's great news, Julie! I'm so glad to hear that Fluffy made it down from that roof safely. After the break, learn how your tap water is toxic and how to avoid being poisoned.

-- 10 minutes of commercials --

[Newscaster Bob]: Welcome back. In a few minutes, we'll be discussing the toxicity of your tap water, and what drinking it is doing to your internal organs, but first: 500,000 people killed in a flash flood in a third world country that we know you don't care about in some city that you care even less about. But that's a lot of people, so we figured we should at least mention it. Back to you, Julie.

[Newscaster Julie]: Well, thank you, Bob. Make sure you stay tuned to hear our shocking report about your tap water and how it's slowly eating away at your stomach and intestines. But before we get to that, let's go over to Stan for your 5-day weather forecast. Stan?

[Weatherdork Stan]: Well that was some lovely weather we had today, wasn't it, Julie?

[Newscaster Julie]: Ha ha. Yes, lovely weather for ducks! Ha ha. Please tell us you have some good news, Stan!

[Weatherdork Stan]: To be honest, it looks like 6 more months of the same. This is Washington, after all. Evolutionarily speaking, we should all have webbed feet by now.

[Newscaster Julie] & [Newscaster Bob]: Ha ha. Hilarious, Stan.

[Weatherdork Stan]: Stay tuned for our comprehensive weather coverage, coming up!

[Newscaster Bob]: Thanks, Stan. And remember to stay tuned for our exclusive coverage of toxic local tapwater. You want to make sure you watch this report, it could be a matter of life and death!

[Newscaster Julie]: That's right, Bob. Stay tuned, we'll be right back!

-- 10 minutes of commercials --

[Newscaster Julie]: Well, thanks for watching, that's all from us tonight. Make sure you tune in for the K.R.A.P. Late Night News exclusive report on the toxicity of your tapwater, and a police warning about the armed fugitive who may be hiding in your attic.

[Newscaster Bob]: Goodnight, folks!


[Me]: Wait. Wait! WAIT, damn it! Where the hell was the actual news in that?

.:3 comments | baked by pie at 12.40 PM | permalink:.