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Friday, September 15, 2006

Good Morning, Starshine

Wow, it's been a long time. I guess I just haven't felt like I've had much to say. Rob and I have just recently submitted our adoption dossier to China, so I've been putting energy into thinking about that lately, rather than coming up with more insulting material about celebrities and/or other annoying people.

On another note: since I apparently am too incompetent to use crutches in the manner for which they're intended, I decided to devise a list of other uses I can find for them. Feel free to add any others in the comments.

Other Uses For Crutches:
* "Innocently" tripping people walking past my desk at work
* Poking people under the conference room table when they try to pawn work off on me (finally I see the benefit of working in a male-dominated industry - better targets)
* Playing air guitar to old AC/DC albums
* Living room croquet
* Reenacting the Black Knight scene from Monty Python's The Holy Grail
* Scaring the wussiest dog alive, Oliver - I swear he thinks I'm some kind of cyborg
* Poking drivers who have their windows open at stop-lights
* Keeping those vicious, killer northwest raccoons at bay when going out at night

Categories: lists, daily life

.:4 comments | baked by pie at 9.29 AM | permalink:.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Fun ways to annoy drive-through workers
I think I'm stuck in list-mode lately... Maybe I need to reboot my brain.

• Recline seat and say, "I guess it all started when I was five..." Ignore angry honking of drivers behind you; they don't need more junk food, anyway. And you're on the verge of a breakthrough, can't you feel it?
• Ask what you can win for throwing a french fry into his mouth.
• Ask if he has found Jesus yet. If not, tell him to try under the couch cushions, since that's where you always find things you've lost.
• Insist on ordering lobster thermador.
• Wait till another employee is near and then ask how the drive-through attendant has been doing since getting out of prison. Add that you might have some "work" for him soon [wink wink].
• "I can't decide. What do you recommend?" Wait for answer, then: "and what wine would you suggest with that?"
• Speak in tongues.
• When they repeat your order back to you, respond with, "the sphincter says 'what?'"*
• While at the speaker, ask what kind of shoes he's wearing and when he responds, moan lustily. When you get to the window, ask if you can smell one of his shoes. Note: this works better if you're not wearing any pants.


* Contributed by Rob [pops]

Categories: lists, asides

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Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Link share

So I thought I'd share a few pointless but mildly entertaining links that have been loitering in my bookmarks for months. Enjoy.

File Swap - upload a file and receive a random file in return

What Jeff Killed - see the blood-thirsty exploits of a stray feline killing machine

Channel Chooser - watch tv online. I love the Horror Channel; it appears to show exclusively - from what I've seen so far - older horror films like Carnival of Souls (1962)

The IRC Bible - been around forever, but never fails to amuse me

Lyrebird with David Attenborough. Watch the Lyrebird imitate a camera shutter, car alarm and chainsaw, among other thing.

Extreme Instability - the coolest storm-chasing photos you'll probably ever see

And just for the hell of it, a recent Fark photoshop submission:


click image for full-sized unsquished version [pops]

Categories: photoshops, lists, blogging

.:1 comment | baked by pie at 9.36 PM | permalink:.

Monday, July 17, 2006

10 ways to ensure your solitude at work
or how to lose your job in 10 easy steps

1) Place a sign across the entrance to your cube that reads 'QUARANTINE'.
2) Never look people in the eye - make sure to always focus on either their foreheads or chins.
3) Call your coworkers into the bathroom to share your joy at each new 'birth'. Hand out party hats and noisemakers.
4) Twitch. A lot. Occasionally shout random obscenities at people walking past.
5) Swaddle your mouse in a cloth napkin and try to get your computer to breast feed it. Call a coworker over and explain that you're worried about your mouse not gaining any weight.
6) Scoop up roadkill from the street outside your office, wrap it in tinfoil and store it in the office fridge with a note reading: 'help yourself'.
7) Record inappropriate songs (preferably involving 'hos' and 'bitches') for your office phone hold system, and make sure you put everyone who calls you on hold
8) Invite your coworkers over for a seance and ritualistic sacrifice at the next full moon. Remind them to bring their own choice of dip.
9) At the end of every sentence a coworker utters, shout 'ba-dum-bum-[cymbal crash sound]'.
10) Edit a company-wide email received from a coworker so it lists step-by-step directions for kidnapping your CEO for ransom. Make a response along the lines of 'I've got the perfect place to bury him - no one found the last body I left there...' and hit 'Reply All' so it's sent to your entire company.

Legal note: the management accepts no responsibility for loss of job, life or freedom after an attempt of any of the above items.

Categories: lists, asides

.:6 comments | baked by pie at 3.58 PM | permalink:.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Things you should avoid saying on a first date

* So my doctor gave me this cream, but it's still really itchy.
* Oh, I never flush. The toilet gnomes keep my bowl fresh and clean.
* I hope you like cats; I have twelve.
* And they said I shouldn't need to go back as long as I stay on my medication. But if I do ever forget my medication - wheeeee-oo! - you might want to keep your distance. I have a tendency to get stabby.
* How much do you weigh, porky?
* Have you accepted Jesus into your heart?
* I love Pauly Shore!
* I used to have a penis.

Categories: lists, asides

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Monday, July 10, 2006

FROM THE DESK OF XENU

To do today:
1) Order hydrogen bombs from Dept. of Defence
2) Appear in cream cheese-smothered onion bagel in Boston
3) Take cat to groomers
4) Steal some planes and repaint them with "XENU'S SEXY SWINGIN' SCENE FOR SINCERE SCIENTOLOGISTS"
5) Pick up dry cleaning
6) Meet Tom Cruise for drinks & karaoke [make sure to slip some Prozac in his drink to make the evening more tolerable]
7) Visit L. Ron Hubbard, enjoy watching him being poked with pointy, white-hot pitchforks
8) Hoover up thetans hiding under couch; they're scaring the cat
9) Go to Schuck's Auto Supply to pick up new steering wheel and fuzzy dice for spaceship
10) Email Mum re birthday plans. Suggest Black Angus for dinner.
11) Refill Prozac prescription - meeting with Tom Cruise (or "Ass Gremlin" as I like to call him haha) always seriously depletes supply


Shopping List:
1 qt whole milk
12 cans extra-fancy cat food
4 100 watt light bulbs
Toilet paper
Grilled cheese sammich fixin's
Preparation H with cooling action [note to self, get new cushions for spaceship]

Categories: lists, silliness

.:3 comments | baked by pie at 1.04 PM | permalink:.

How to tell if you've been visited by aliens
Part IV in my vastly helpful (but rarely updated) "how to" series.

1) Your jammies have a trap-door where once there was just fabric.
2) You feel as though you've given birth to a watermelon through your backside recently.
3) You suddenly understand the lyrics to any Black Eyed Peas song.
4) When you touch the toaster and the microwave at the same time, you can build up a static charge strong enough to singe the neighbours' cat from twenty feet.
5) You lure friends over, incapacitate them with chloroform and perform medical experiments on them. And you never used to keep chloroform in the house.
6) You have a new tattoo that reads: "I [heart] Zork 4Ever".
7) All your mousetraps are still set, but the cheese is gone. Aliens adore cheese. I know; I was surprised, too.
8) The old lady next door keeps flashing the evil eye at you.
9) All of your hangers are gone.
10) Your cows look somehow... smarter.

If you answered 'yes' to 5 or more of the above questions, you may want to look into getting some better locks.

The caption contest winner will be announced when I get home from work, so don't forget to check back.

Categories: stories, silliness, lists

.:2 comments | baked by pie at 2.25 PM | permalink:.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Valentines Tips Part II

Following on from my romance tips for men, I now offer tips on keeping your man happy for carriers of two X chromosomes. Men are generally easier to please than women, but if you really want to keep your guy on his toes this Valentines Day, don't do the obvious and take him to a steakhouse and a sports bar. I have some suggestions that your man will really love.

Gift ideas for the guy in your life:
* A lifetime subscription to Good Housekeeping. Actually, on second thought - most men don't get subtlety. Scratch that one. Maybe try a subscription to Playboy, but when it arrives, cut out everything except the articles and interviews, since those are what he loves best anyway.
* A year's supply of Viagra or some other 'performance enhancing' drug.
* A copy of Sex for Dummies with the relevant pages marked, and exclamation points in the margins by really important passages.
* A gift certificate for a high colonic. Think of all the space that'll clear out for more steak.

And here are some sweet things you can do for your man that will keep him coming back for more:
* Men all say they want season tickets to their favourite baseball or football team's games, but that's so pedestrian. I recommend season tickets to the local ballet. And make sure you tell all his friends that you're signing both of you up for evening ballet classes. He'll really appreciate all the playful ribbing he gets from his mates. Men love that sort of thing.
* Sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk during the big game. He's only pretending to be interested in all those beefy men running around in tight trousers. He'd really much rather discuss where your relationship is going.
* Make sure you never have beer in the house. It'll be a relief for him not to have to guzzle a six-pack and belch the alphabet just to impress you.
* Wake him up in the middle of the night to continue your discussion of where your relationship is going. Don't forget to mention that your biological clock is ticking. That gets his adrenaline pumping - and guys love the adrenaline. It's almost as good as sky-diving lessons.

And for all of you newly-single people out there [not that my tips would have anything to do with that], fear not. I shall have more personal ad reviews before Valentines Day. I know you're excited. Try to remember to breathe.

Categories: silliness, lists

.:2 comments | baked by pie at 8.25 PM | permalink:.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Help for men on Valentines Day

I know men have difficulty finding gifts and things to do for their girlfriends/wives that aren't trite and overdone like flowers and chocolates. So here are some thoughtful gifts and sweet little things you can do for your sweetheart to show her how much you care.

* Bring her a bandaid when she cuts herself making a fancy three-course meal for you.
* Point out exactly which part of your back needs rubbing, so she doesn't waste her time working on areas that don't need it.
* Leave the vacuum in the living room, all plugged in, so it's ready for her. For bonus points, unplug the vacuum when she's done with each room and plug it in again in the next room.
* Turn on the dishwasher (and that doesn't mean groping her from behind while she's rinsing the dishes).
* Buy her lingerie that makes her look like a cheap hooker, and ask her to wear a wig and speak with an accent while you have sex.

Gifts that show how much you care:
1) New vacuum bags
2) A set of top o' the line pots and pans
3) Novelty penis swizzle sticks
4) Birth control pills
5) A card that reads: "To my Valentine" on the outside, and written on the inside is: "I'm sorry I gave you crabs. I promise to only use the clean, high-priced escorts from now on". I don't think Hallmark makes these yet, so it'll have to be home-made. And home-made cards show how much you care because you put some effort into it.

Please note that I will not be held responsible for any lack of Valentines Day nookie and/or bruising or fractures caused by sharp blows to the head with a frying pan after your attempt of any of these maneuvres.

Tomorrow: helpful hints for women.

Categories: silliness, lists

.:16 comments | baked by pie at 9.06 PM | permalink:.

Wednesday, January 18, 2005

Stuff I don't know what to do with

* Rabies seems like it'd be a fun disease. You have a built-in excuse for getting aggressive and foaming at the mouth.

* It sucks being the less attractive one in a relationship

* Why does my dachshund constantly biff my basset in the face with his arse? Does he think Oliver thinks he has a sexy bum? Does he want Oliver to think he has a sexy bum? Is he a tease? What?

* I saw a car with "goth" painted on the back of it today... I can't even begin to formulate a coherent comment about that

And the best news of all: Rob has agreed to go to Las Vegas with me in April to see NIN again. He was all gung-ho to get our wedding vows renewed last year on our 10th anniversary, but I'm pushing for a theme-wedding vow renewal while we're there in April. If nothing else, the photos would be great for embarrassing our potential daughter when some guy comes round to pick her up for a date.

Categories: silliness, lists, asides

.:2 comments | baked by pie at 6.19 PM | permalink:.